Editing Back to School (section)

==Plot==
Thornton Meloni, a child of Italian immigrants, returns from school one day to his father's tailor shop, bearing a report card with poor grades. His ambition is to go into his father's line of work, but the latter warns Thornton that "If a man has no education, he's got nothing."

As decades pass, Thornton [[Anglicisation of names|Anglicizes]] his surname from Meloni to "Melon" and becomes a self-made corporate giant, with a successful chain of [[plus-size clothing]] stores and other business ventures. He also has a son named Jason. Jason becomes a college student who avoids Thornton despite their previous closeness. Jason's mother has died, Thornton has remarried to a [[gold digger]] named Vanessa. When Vanessa splurges on an expensive party, Thornton reaches his breaking point and wishes to see Jason. He divorces Vanessa for adultery and instructs Lou, his bodyguard and chauffeur, to take him to Grand Lakes University.

On the campus, Thornton learns that the reason for Jason's distant attitude with his father was that he is a C-student, unhappy with college life, and intends to drop out. He is a towel boy for the diving team instead of a member, was rejected by the fraternities, is antagonized by diver and jock Chas Osborne, and has no friends except for his roommate Derek Lutz. Thornton motivates him to stay in college by deciding to enroll alongside him. Despite Thornton's lack of academic qualifications, the dean David Martin admits him when he bribes Martin with a donation for a new campus building.

Thornton's bribery earns him the wrath of Dr. Philip Barbay, dean of the business school. His displeasure is further exacerbated by Thornton's canny practical experience clashing with Barbay's hypothetical theorizing in class and [[ivory tower]] ways. Thornton also develops a romantic interest in Barbay's girlfriend, the literature professor Dr. Diane Turner. Meanwhile, Jason begins to attract the interest of Valerie Desmond, a girl whom Chas has been trying to impress. Thornton becomes a popular man on campus, throwing huge parties and exhibiting generosity to the fellow students. Jason earns a spot on the diving team, after Thornton, a former diver himself, convinces the diving coach to reconsider his abilities. Despite all this, Jason still feels he is living in Thornton’s shadow.

As a student, even though Diane is inspiring a deeper appreciation of literature, Thornton prefers partying to studying. He hires a team of professionals to complete his assignments, including [[Kurt Vonnegut]] to write a paper on Vonnegut for literature class. To Thornton's surprise, Diane gives the paper a failing grade for obviously not being his own work and becomes disillusioned by his frivolous behavior. Jason is also upset with Thornton for trivializing education, while mistakenly believing Chas who lied that Thornton bribed the coach into accepting him on the team.

Dr. Barbay accuses Thornton, in the presence of Dean Martin, of academic fraud. He challenges Thornton to an oral examination conducted by all of his professors, facing expulsion if he fails any part of it. Believing he has no chance of passing, Thornton packs up and prepares to leave. After a talk with Lou, a remorseful Jason stops Thornton and encourages him to stay and prepare for the challenge.

With limited time to prepare, Thornton crams for the examination with help from Jason, Derek, Lou, and Diane. When the big day comes, Barbay begins by intimidating Thornton with a single, 27-part question. Nevertheless, Thornton answers every part, though the effort is so much that he wants to forfeit. Diane inspires him to finish by asking him to recite a [[Dylan Thomas]] poem, "[[Do not go gentle into that good night]]," which he does and is reinvigorated to proceed with the examination.

At the championship dive meet later that day, Thornton and Jason reconcile, while Grand Lakes University takes the lead. To spite Jason for his performance and for winning over Valerie, Chas fakes a cramp in an attempt to make his team lose. The coach decides to recruit Thornton as a last-minute replacement. Thornton helps the team win by performing the legendary but dangerous "Triple Lindy" dive. Afterwards, Thornton learns from Diane that he has passed the examination with all D's, except for a single A from her. At the end of the school year, Thornton gives the commencement speech.